nog & cookies: day three

I’m really trying this Christmas. This is the third day in a row where after the kids have gone to bed I start drinking nog spiked with spiced rum and eating a lot of Christmas, or other, cookies. It’s not working. This is a sincere effort. There is a Christmas tree in my living room that has been up since before Thanksgiving. Sure, it only has a top hat and only half the lights are working now, but it used to have a full set AND ornaments. Where has Christmas gone? The joy? The belief that no one was working or suffering on this day? It’s all gone. And my efforts to pretend are not sincere. I can’t forget them no matter how many Christmas songs they play on the radio. What about my dead grandparents? What about Aleppo? What about those children there? The dead ones and the live ones. They have no Christmas. They’re not even Christian so the odds were not good to start with, but now? We shop. We buy. I bought my brother bread and water. I thought it was funny, but it’s not. Those little children don’t have bread and water. Let alone cinnamon raisin bread and BOXED water. I want to shout. And shout I did! At the bank! At Rodney at the local Chase bank! He couldn’t help me. He couldn’t help anyone. There is no help to give. Or is there?





I like reading back through all these entries. How strange that I lived them, am living them, and will still continue to live. How time’s flown! How you’ve grown! Have I? How much? I seem to be crawling at a snail’s pace yet wracking up the miles. How does this happen? I feel like I figure a few things out every once in a while, and then when I turn around, I am blasted by the face confusion. The eerie thing is, it is MY face. Who IS this person? I don’t even recognize her! Yet, IT IS ME. Without a doubt.

(Bear with me, this desk is uncomfortable, I’m a little rusty, and have very disturbed sleep.)

I’ve been reading Haruki Murikami lately and his dreamlike stories seem more logical to me than the headlines. Maybe it’s because I’m not sleeping well.

I thought writing this post might help me get my mind around a few things but I feel even more confused now so I’m just going to try again later.